Week 9: Responses to Pieces for Workshop 1

Anna-

I loved your first paragraph, I thought that it did such a great job of showing the reader the feel of the building and what goes on there. I also thought that your piece was really well structured, and that you were able to cover a lot of different aspects of the building and what goes on inside it in a way that was clear and logical. I know that you mentioned in your writing process that you’re still looking for the conflict in the story, and I noticed that while I was reading the piece, and I also felt that the descriptions of the different things housed in the building needed more information to bring them all together, like the collaboration you mentioned. I think that once you find that conflict it will help tie everything together and solidify the whole piece. Great job :)

Claire-

I liked the direction you went with this piece and how you discussed what has happened at more than one location. The way you inserted yourself into the story and included little details like the pack of Camel cigarettes you bought drew me into the piece, and I liked the way you mixed observations with quotes and facts. You showed both the positives and negatives of the ban, and the positive and negative ways people have reacted, so I thought it was really well balanced. Your transitions, especially the one from Fourth Coast to Waldo’s, were a little confusing, but I’m sure those will become more clearly defined as you do more reporting and make more connections between the establishments. Great job : )

Jess-

I thought you did a great job with the structure and flow of the article. You mentioned in your writing process that you felt like what you had so far was more of a news article than a narrative, and I did notice that a little as I was reading, but I think that some of that was because you had so much research that you wanted to fit into the piece. I think the fact that you are hoping to add more interviews and more perspectives will add to the narrative of the piece and make it less newsy. I liked how you were able to cover a lot of ground and still make the connections logical and the anecdotes/facts engaging. I got a really clear picture of Streeter and his mentality throughout the piece, and I liked how you started with him and his philosophies and worked outward. Great job : )

Myles-

I really was intrigued by this story idea, and I’m really interested to see where you end up with it. I really liked the description and imagery in the first half of the piece, you painted a really clear picture of the scene and conveyed a lot of the emotions of the place as well. I see what you mean about trying to decide whether to have yourself in the piece. And I think that it could work either way, depending on where you go from here. My one suggestion would be to blend the transition between the first half and the second half a little bit. I enjoyed each section, but there was a big difference in tone and focus between the two, so it might help the flow to combine the two parts a bit differently. Great job : )

Joel-

I liked the way you jumped right into the piece in the beginning, throwing the reader directly into the scene. Your descriptions of the band members, their quotes, and your interactions with them did a good job of showing the reader what the band and its members are like. The quotes you used made the characters more engaging, and made me interested to keep reading to see what happened, so I’m interested to see if you can include more about the members in your final draft and make them more defined. I also liked how you blended your discussion of the band to with the discussion of the difficulties of breaking into the music business, and thought you could add even more in that section of the piece. I was a little confused about how many members the band had, because you only mention the two and their roles in the band, are there more members than Zach and Alex? A little more factual explanation about the logistics of the band might help iron out that confusion and add to the flow of the piece. Great job : )

Profile Responses-Week 6

Claire-

I really enjoyed reading your piece, I've been hearing more about both of the gardens lately so I was interested to learn more about them. The way you wove in the parts about the various participants' reasons for being part of the projects really brought the piece together for me, and further illustrated the growing importance of sustainability on campus. I liked how you built the individual scenes throughout the piece, and your imagery really helped me to picture the people and interactions as I read. One part that personally confused me for a moment was the transition from the gardening class garden to the D.I.R.T. garden; I liked how you used Seema as the tie between the two, but I had to pause for just a moment to remind myself of the transition to talking about another garden and program. I'm sure you'll be reworking a lot stuff as you rewrite, but that was my one suggestion that came to mind as I read. My favorite part about your profile was how you managed to cover a lot of ground but still remain focused, and also how clearly the participants' dedication to the gardening projects came through. Great job :)

Marina-

I really liked your intro, I felt like it gave a good idea of what was to come, and drew me into the piece. I thought your structure and sequencing did a great job explaining the changes over time in Rodgers' thoughts on the interaction between ballet and feminism, and the way it led into discussing her teaching methods and interactions with students was a good progression. The paragraph about most choreographers being male and the "ballet is women" quote was really interesting to me, and it was a good transition from Rodgers' life inside the dance world to her life outside it. I definitely know what you mean about working with quotes because I always end up struggling with that myself, but I think the way you used quotes throughout the piece really helped to illustrate Rodgers' and her progression. My only suggestion would be to possibly add more about student opinions and reactions to Rodger's and her classes; I know you spend several paragraphs discussing her teaching methods and classes, but it might be nice to have a little more about how she has affected other students ideas about feminism. Great job :)

Joel-

I really liked how your voice came through in your piece even though you were profiling a place that you didn't have a person connection to. Some of your quotes really added a lot to the piece, such Ms. King and her love for the Union's burgers, giving the reader an idea of how dedicated many customers are and what it is that keeps them coming back. The part about Steve displayed an interesting aspect of the Union's popularity, I would be interested to hear more about those who go to the Union as a place to possibly meet other singles. One suggestion I have is to work on incorporating more imagery as well as more stories of Union customers and employees. Also, I know you were nervous about parts of your piece coming across as a restaurant review rather than a story, so maybe ending with an anecdote or quote would help you steer away from this. Great job :)

Anna-

I really liked how your piece painted a picture of Victor through the anecdotes and quotes you chose to use. The theme of Victor doing things that were unexpected, like the music he makes or his choice of job, definitely helped tie the piece together. It sounds like you and Victor had some great conversations and had a lot in common, and the piece really illustrates that. One thing I was confused about was the third paragraph when discussing negative reactions and sexism. Was there sexism directed at him, or was he simply asking you about sexism in the context of discussing various ways people tend to discriminate against others? I liked your conclusion, especially the imagery of riding down the hill on the cart and tree that you passed, and I really liked the quotes you used about his perception of himself as between a "city slicker and a country boy", but maybe that quote would work a bit better earlier in the piece. I'm interested to see how the piece evolves as you get to spend even more time with Victor, and now I'm also curious to hear some of his music. Great job :)

Profile Draft

A clump of bicycles is parked on the sidewalk along the side of the building, and the smell of cigarette smoke drifts past. The sign above the door states “Polar Pops, Any Size, 59 cents, Every Day!” At the top of the building is a bright red “K” sign, denoting the building as a Circle K convenience store, but many that frequent the store know it as Dairy Mart.

A grandfatherly old man enters, and is greeted by a smiling “here comes trouble!” from the cashier. He chuckles and steps to the counter to buy lottery tickets, jokingly looking over his shoulder to see whom she might have been referring to.

Behind the man, the line snakes past a cooler of sandwiches, a shelf of snickers bars, and a display of cheap jewelry. College students holding gallons of milk or six-packs of beer, businessmen stopping for a pack of cigarettes, and mothers and children stopping by for a snack on the way home from school, and men who ride up on bikes to buy a bottle of beer concealed in a paper bag; this convenience store attracts people from all walks of life.

Located at the corner of Lovell and Oakland streets, not far from downtown Kalamazoo, Dairy Mart sees a wide variety of customers each day. Stocking everything from Red Bull to eggs, and frozen pizzas to WD-40, the store generally has whatever someone could possibly want at the moment. An ATM stands by the front window, adding yet another reasons for customers to come inside.

Just down the street from Kalamazoo College and around the corner from Western Michigan University, a large amount of Dairy Mart’s business comes from college students in search of junk food or alcohol. On weekend afternoons, many students flock in, standing in line with thirty-packs of beer and bags of chips, stocking up for the evening ahead.

Others stop by on their way to work for a cup of coffee, at lunchtime to buy a soda, or for a beer on their way home. Many simply stop for directions, pulling into the parking lot with a confused look on their face and consulting a map before heading inside to ask for help.

When walking past the store, it is not uncommon to see cars pulled into the parking lot to use the pay phone located there. Until the recent change in state smoking laws, customers would often stand on the sidewalk smoking next the ice freezer, but the smokers have now been relegated to around the corner of the store beside towering stacks of colorful milk crates.