Week 9: Responses to Pieces for Workshop 1

Anna-

I loved your first paragraph, I thought that it did such a great job of showing the reader the feel of the building and what goes on there. I also thought that your piece was really well structured, and that you were able to cover a lot of different aspects of the building and what goes on inside it in a way that was clear and logical. I know that you mentioned in your writing process that you’re still looking for the conflict in the story, and I noticed that while I was reading the piece, and I also felt that the descriptions of the different things housed in the building needed more information to bring them all together, like the collaboration you mentioned. I think that once you find that conflict it will help tie everything together and solidify the whole piece. Great job :)

Claire-

I liked the direction you went with this piece and how you discussed what has happened at more than one location. The way you inserted yourself into the story and included little details like the pack of Camel cigarettes you bought drew me into the piece, and I liked the way you mixed observations with quotes and facts. You showed both the positives and negatives of the ban, and the positive and negative ways people have reacted, so I thought it was really well balanced. Your transitions, especially the one from Fourth Coast to Waldo’s, were a little confusing, but I’m sure those will become more clearly defined as you do more reporting and make more connections between the establishments. Great job : )

Jess-

I thought you did a great job with the structure and flow of the article. You mentioned in your writing process that you felt like what you had so far was more of a news article than a narrative, and I did notice that a little as I was reading, but I think that some of that was because you had so much research that you wanted to fit into the piece. I think the fact that you are hoping to add more interviews and more perspectives will add to the narrative of the piece and make it less newsy. I liked how you were able to cover a lot of ground and still make the connections logical and the anecdotes/facts engaging. I got a really clear picture of Streeter and his mentality throughout the piece, and I liked how you started with him and his philosophies and worked outward. Great job : )

Myles-

I really was intrigued by this story idea, and I’m really interested to see where you end up with it. I really liked the description and imagery in the first half of the piece, you painted a really clear picture of the scene and conveyed a lot of the emotions of the place as well. I see what you mean about trying to decide whether to have yourself in the piece. And I think that it could work either way, depending on where you go from here. My one suggestion would be to blend the transition between the first half and the second half a little bit. I enjoyed each section, but there was a big difference in tone and focus between the two, so it might help the flow to combine the two parts a bit differently. Great job : )

Joel-

I liked the way you jumped right into the piece in the beginning, throwing the reader directly into the scene. Your descriptions of the band members, their quotes, and your interactions with them did a good job of showing the reader what the band and its members are like. The quotes you used made the characters more engaging, and made me interested to keep reading to see what happened, so I’m interested to see if you can include more about the members in your final draft and make them more defined. I also liked how you blended your discussion of the band to with the discussion of the difficulties of breaking into the music business, and thought you could add even more in that section of the piece. I was a little confused about how many members the band had, because you only mention the two and their roles in the band, are there more members than Zach and Alex? A little more factual explanation about the logistics of the band might help iron out that confusion and add to the flow of the piece. Great job : )

Profile Responses-Week 6

Claire-

I really enjoyed reading your piece, I've been hearing more about both of the gardens lately so I was interested to learn more about them. The way you wove in the parts about the various participants' reasons for being part of the projects really brought the piece together for me, and further illustrated the growing importance of sustainability on campus. I liked how you built the individual scenes throughout the piece, and your imagery really helped me to picture the people and interactions as I read. One part that personally confused me for a moment was the transition from the gardening class garden to the D.I.R.T. garden; I liked how you used Seema as the tie between the two, but I had to pause for just a moment to remind myself of the transition to talking about another garden and program. I'm sure you'll be reworking a lot stuff as you rewrite, but that was my one suggestion that came to mind as I read. My favorite part about your profile was how you managed to cover a lot of ground but still remain focused, and also how clearly the participants' dedication to the gardening projects came through. Great job :)

Marina-

I really liked your intro, I felt like it gave a good idea of what was to come, and drew me into the piece. I thought your structure and sequencing did a great job explaining the changes over time in Rodgers' thoughts on the interaction between ballet and feminism, and the way it led into discussing her teaching methods and interactions with students was a good progression. The paragraph about most choreographers being male and the "ballet is women" quote was really interesting to me, and it was a good transition from Rodgers' life inside the dance world to her life outside it. I definitely know what you mean about working with quotes because I always end up struggling with that myself, but I think the way you used quotes throughout the piece really helped to illustrate Rodgers' and her progression. My only suggestion would be to possibly add more about student opinions and reactions to Rodger's and her classes; I know you spend several paragraphs discussing her teaching methods and classes, but it might be nice to have a little more about how she has affected other students ideas about feminism. Great job :)

Joel-

I really liked how your voice came through in your piece even though you were profiling a place that you didn't have a person connection to. Some of your quotes really added a lot to the piece, such Ms. King and her love for the Union's burgers, giving the reader an idea of how dedicated many customers are and what it is that keeps them coming back. The part about Steve displayed an interesting aspect of the Union's popularity, I would be interested to hear more about those who go to the Union as a place to possibly meet other singles. One suggestion I have is to work on incorporating more imagery as well as more stories of Union customers and employees. Also, I know you were nervous about parts of your piece coming across as a restaurant review rather than a story, so maybe ending with an anecdote or quote would help you steer away from this. Great job :)

Anna-

I really liked how your piece painted a picture of Victor through the anecdotes and quotes you chose to use. The theme of Victor doing things that were unexpected, like the music he makes or his choice of job, definitely helped tie the piece together. It sounds like you and Victor had some great conversations and had a lot in common, and the piece really illustrates that. One thing I was confused about was the third paragraph when discussing negative reactions and sexism. Was there sexism directed at him, or was he simply asking you about sexism in the context of discussing various ways people tend to discriminate against others? I liked your conclusion, especially the imagery of riding down the hill on the cart and tree that you passed, and I really liked the quotes you used about his perception of himself as between a "city slicker and a country boy", but maybe that quote would work a bit better earlier in the piece. I'm interested to see how the piece evolves as you get to spend even more time with Victor, and now I'm also curious to hear some of his music. Great job :)

Profile Draft

A clump of bicycles is parked on the sidewalk along the side of the building, and the smell of cigarette smoke drifts past. The sign above the door states “Polar Pops, Any Size, 59 cents, Every Day!” At the top of the building is a bright red “K” sign, denoting the building as a Circle K convenience store, but many that frequent the store know it as Dairy Mart.

A grandfatherly old man enters, and is greeted by a smiling “here comes trouble!” from the cashier. He chuckles and steps to the counter to buy lottery tickets, jokingly looking over his shoulder to see whom she might have been referring to.

Behind the man, the line snakes past a cooler of sandwiches, a shelf of snickers bars, and a display of cheap jewelry. College students holding gallons of milk or six-packs of beer, businessmen stopping for a pack of cigarettes, and mothers and children stopping by for a snack on the way home from school, and men who ride up on bikes to buy a bottle of beer concealed in a paper bag; this convenience store attracts people from all walks of life.

Located at the corner of Lovell and Oakland streets, not far from downtown Kalamazoo, Dairy Mart sees a wide variety of customers each day. Stocking everything from Red Bull to eggs, and frozen pizzas to WD-40, the store generally has whatever someone could possibly want at the moment. An ATM stands by the front window, adding yet another reasons for customers to come inside.

Just down the street from Kalamazoo College and around the corner from Western Michigan University, a large amount of Dairy Mart’s business comes from college students in search of junk food or alcohol. On weekend afternoons, many students flock in, standing in line with thirty-packs of beer and bags of chips, stocking up for the evening ahead.

Others stop by on their way to work for a cup of coffee, at lunchtime to buy a soda, or for a beer on their way home. Many simply stop for directions, pulling into the parking lot with a confused look on their face and consulting a map before heading inside to ask for help.

When walking past the store, it is not uncommon to see cars pulled into the parking lot to use the pay phone located there. Until the recent change in state smoking laws, customers would often stand on the sidewalk smoking next the ice freezer, but the smokers have now been relegated to around the corner of the store beside towering stacks of colorful milk crates.

Feature Article For Class Discussion: Week Five

"Man of Extremes" by Dana Goodyear

I had a hard time finding a profile that I was happy with for this week, most of the ones that I found were either really short or at least 10 pages long. I eventually found this article on James Cameron, who is best known for directing movies such as Titanic and Avatar. It was written during the filming and production of Avatar and was published on October 26, 2009. I chose this article because I liked the way Goodyear paints such a detailed picture of Cameron from the very first paragraph. While beginning with a focus on Cameron's temperament and more recent work, Goodyear goes on to intersperse anecdotes from Cameron's lifetime/movie-making career throughout the piece, and these further the reader's perception of Cameron's work ethic, dedication, and stubbornness. I was interested to read this article because I have seen some of Cameron's films and was curious about the man behind them, especially someone that could make the range of movies that he has. Also, I have heard about Cameron's previous marriage to Kathryn Bigelow, the director of Hurt Locker, and how their films competed against each other for the title of Best Picture at this year's Oscars, so I was interested to see if Goodyear addressed the relationship at all. I discovered that there were several paragraphs devoted to Cameron's marriages (he's currently on his fifth) as a way of further explaining his mentality and interactions with others, and this gave me a clearer picture of Cameron. Goodyear spoke with Cameron several times in researching this article, and also had a variety of anecdotes from those close to Cameron, so I felt like the piece did a great job of illustrating who Cameron is on several levels.

Revised Personal Essay

In 4^th grade, I played in my first game of basketball. Our team was so bad it was comical, most of us having only recently begun to learn anything about the game. This comedy was compounded by the fact that every parent in attendance were cheering for our every move as if we had just won the Super Bowl, and I highly doubt that most of the girls even remember the game at all. In fact, most everyone’s biggest concern was the uniforms we wore—borrowed from our school’s middle school girls’ team, and therefore much too large on most of us—several girls spent the whole game rolling and unrolling their shorts so that they would look just right in case the ball ever happened to actually get passed to them. I was determined to win the game, to show everyone that I could be a star, but my uncoordinated efforts fell far short. The final score was lopsidedly in favor of the other team, but no one other than me seemed to care much. I pouted afterwards, mad that the game hadn’t followed the vision in my head,

However, in spite of my inauspicious beginnings, that game was the start of my athletic “career”. I settled into a rhythm of continuous schoolwork and sports, each offering multiple opportunities for my stubbornness and perfectionism to show through. Living in a small town on a tiny island--Lopez Island School District had a population of around 250 students K-12—there wasn’t a huge amount of competition in whatever goals you chose to pursue, whether they were in school, sports, art, or music. From grades 6-12, each year had four seasons in my eyes: volleyball season, basketball season, the end of the school year, and summer.

Fiercely competitive and stubborn, and growing up with parents who pushed me harder and harder to reach expectations that sometimes seemed unattainable, I grew into a perfectionist to the extreme. In some instances, I was literally so internally petrified of the possibility of not reaching the goals in my head that I would simply not be able to complete an assignment; in my mind, not finishing a paper at all was better than finishing it and not doing as well as I had hoped. These unrealistic expectations and twisted logic were as difficult for me to rationalize in my own mind as they were to explain to others, leaving me confused and frustrated.

This internal learning process came to a head after I graduated from high school and made the decision to move halfway across the country and come to Kalamazoo College. A small community, quite similar in many ways to my hometown, Kalamazoo seemed to me to be the perfect place to continue my education, both personally and scholastically. Another benefit of the small student body was that I had the opportunity to play on the junior varsity basketball team, allowing me to continue my relationship with organized athletics. Everything about the school seemed perfect for me, and I thought that I would easily be able to adapt to moving halfway across the country for college.

However, while size of the Kalamazoo College community was small, the amount of talent and competition throughout the school was much more than I had experienced in my experience attending a small town high school. Back home, I had been one of few students who dealt with perfectionism, with many only doing what they had to do to get by, Kalamazoo was entirely populated with people like myself.

While I had expected this transition, it was even more difficult than I could have imagined. Attending a liberal arts institution, and taking classes on subjects that I was often unfamiliar with, I began to feel as if I was surrounded by people who were all smarter than me, and were all having an easier time with this new college experience. While my experience on the JV basketball team was fun, and I still loved the sport, I found myself often sitting in the bench in favor of more experienced players. With my performance seeming to decline, and my confidence faltering, this cycle served to push my perfectionism over the edge, forcing me to come to terms with what I was doing to myself

This revelation made me rethink my entire mindset relating to school, sports, and relationships, and take a closer look at those around me. I had become so frenzied and self-critical that everyone around me seemed to be handling everything perfectly, but a closer look showed me that most everyone had the same problems that I did. Although I still felt out of place at times, this realization showed me that I was just as capable of success in college as everyone else around me was.

Today, in my last quarter at Kalamazoo College, I can look back at my younger self and see how ridiculous my mindset became. When I focused too deeply on my own situation, this left me unable to accept help from those around me. While I definitely do not consider myself cured of the perfectionism and procrastination that has plagued me throughout my life, I believe that Kalamazoo has helped me begin to break the cycle. Rather than simply feeling unaccomplished or inexperienced in comparison to those around me, I have learned to take what I admire in others and attempt to implement those same things in my own life. As much as college has taught me about the world, it has taught me even more about myself.

Profile Pitch

For my profile, I am hoping to write about Woodward Elementary School. Woodward School for Technology and Research is K-5 elementary school a few blocks away from the Kalamazoo College campus, and many K students have worked at Woodward as tutors. I tutored first and fourth grade students there during my freshman and sophomore year, and even though I have been unable to work there more recently because of study abroad and scheduling, I still have a big interest in the school.

I have contacted Principal Beth Yankee by phone, but she was out of the office when I called (which, as I learned from my time volunteering in the main office, she is often, because she spends much of her day moving throughout the school) but I plan to call back as soon as possible, and I also recently found her email address so I am emailing her as well.

I hope to spend some of my free time in the next few weeks at Woodward, interacting with the faculty, staff, and students as much as I am able. Depending on what access I end up having and what experiences I have, I will be able to decide which direction I want to go with the profile.

I believe that I am well suited to write this piece because of my previous experiences tutoring at Woodward. The experience was very important to me, as I love working with children and I also am very interested in developmental psychology, and it even made me consider whether I would like to become a teacher. I hope that I can interact with some of the faculty, staff, and children that I have previously worked with, and that will help me get a deeper look into what the school is all about.

Response to "Writing for Story"

While I was somewhat apprehensive about "Writing for Story" because of some of the things I had heard about it, I ended up really appreciating it, especially the chapter on outlining that Marin recommended that we read the most carefully. While his tone and/or phrasing sometimes bugged me, I really felt like he did a good job of discussing the process many people go through when beginning to write, and his description of "spaghettiing" was almost exactly what I usually go through when writing. It was really interesting to me because a lot of the stuff he said seemed like common sense once I read it, but it was all stuff that would be hard to realize when you were inside the process of writing. For example, his complication-->development-->resolution form of outlining seems like a great way of making sure that your writing will make sense and your thesis will remain clear throughout. This process of outlining sounds really helpful, and hopefully it will help me work with the structure of my personal essay and make it more coherent and cohesive.