I really enjoyed reading your piece, I've been hearing more about both of the gardens lately so I was interested to learn more about them. The way you wove in the parts about the various participants' reasons for being part of the projects really brought the piece together for me, and further illustrated the growing importance of sustainability on campus. I liked how you built the individual scenes throughout the piece, and your imagery really helped me to picture the people and interactions as I read. One part that personally confused me for a moment was the transition from the gardening class garden to the D.I.R.T. garden; I liked how you used Seema as the tie between the two, but I had to pause for just a moment to remind myself of the transition to talking about another garden and program. I'm sure you'll be reworking a lot stuff as you rewrite, but that was my one suggestion that came to mind as I read. My favorite part about your profile was how you managed to cover a lot of ground but still remain focused, and also how clearly the participants' dedication to the gardening projects came through. Great job :)
Marina-
I really liked your intro, I felt like it gave a good idea of what was to come, and drew me into the piece. I thought your structure and sequencing did a great job explaining the changes over time in Rodgers' thoughts on the interaction between ballet and feminism, and the way it led into discussing her teaching methods and interactions with students was a good progression. The paragraph about most choreographers being male and the "ballet is women" quote was really interesting to me, and it was a good transition from Rodgers' life inside the dance world to her life outside it. I definitely know what you mean about working with quotes because I always end up struggling with that myself, but I think the way you used quotes throughout the piece really helped to illustrate Rodgers' and her progression. My only suggestion would be to possibly add more about student opinions and reactions to Rodger's and her classes; I know you spend several paragraphs discussing her teaching methods and classes, but it might be nice to have a little more about how she has affected other students ideas about feminism. Great job :)
Joel-
I really liked how your voice came through in your piece even though you were profiling a place that you didn't have a person connection to. Some of your quotes really added a lot to the piece, such Ms. King and her love for the Union's burgers, giving the reader an idea of how dedicated many customers are and what it is that keeps them coming back. The part about Steve displayed an interesting aspect of the Union's popularity, I would be interested to hear more about those who go to the Union as a place to possibly meet other singles. One suggestion I have is to work on incorporating more imagery as well as more stories of Union customers and employees. Also, I know you were nervous about parts of your piece coming across as a restaurant review rather than a story, so maybe ending with an anecdote or quote would help you steer away from this. Great job :)
Anna-
I really liked how your piece painted a picture of Victor through the anecdotes and quotes you chose to use. The theme of Victor doing things that were unexpected, like the music he makes or his choice of job, definitely helped tie the piece together. It sounds like you and Victor had some great conversations and had a lot in common, and the piece really illustrates that. One thing I was confused about was the third paragraph when discussing negative reactions and sexism. Was there sexism directed at him, or was he simply asking you about sexism in the context of discussing various ways people tend to discriminate against others? I liked your conclusion, especially the imagery of riding down the hill on the cart and tree that you passed, and I really liked the quotes you used about his perception of himself as between a "city slicker and a country boy", but maybe that quote would work a bit better earlier in the piece. I'm interested to see how the piece evolves as you get to spend even more time with Victor, and now I'm also curious to hear some of his music. Great job :)
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