Week 9: Responses to Pieces for Workshop 1

Anna-

I loved your first paragraph, I thought that it did such a great job of showing the reader the feel of the building and what goes on there. I also thought that your piece was really well structured, and that you were able to cover a lot of different aspects of the building and what goes on inside it in a way that was clear and logical. I know that you mentioned in your writing process that you’re still looking for the conflict in the story, and I noticed that while I was reading the piece, and I also felt that the descriptions of the different things housed in the building needed more information to bring them all together, like the collaboration you mentioned. I think that once you find that conflict it will help tie everything together and solidify the whole piece. Great job :)

Claire-

I liked the direction you went with this piece and how you discussed what has happened at more than one location. The way you inserted yourself into the story and included little details like the pack of Camel cigarettes you bought drew me into the piece, and I liked the way you mixed observations with quotes and facts. You showed both the positives and negatives of the ban, and the positive and negative ways people have reacted, so I thought it was really well balanced. Your transitions, especially the one from Fourth Coast to Waldo’s, were a little confusing, but I’m sure those will become more clearly defined as you do more reporting and make more connections between the establishments. Great job : )

Jess-

I thought you did a great job with the structure and flow of the article. You mentioned in your writing process that you felt like what you had so far was more of a news article than a narrative, and I did notice that a little as I was reading, but I think that some of that was because you had so much research that you wanted to fit into the piece. I think the fact that you are hoping to add more interviews and more perspectives will add to the narrative of the piece and make it less newsy. I liked how you were able to cover a lot of ground and still make the connections logical and the anecdotes/facts engaging. I got a really clear picture of Streeter and his mentality throughout the piece, and I liked how you started with him and his philosophies and worked outward. Great job : )

Myles-

I really was intrigued by this story idea, and I’m really interested to see where you end up with it. I really liked the description and imagery in the first half of the piece, you painted a really clear picture of the scene and conveyed a lot of the emotions of the place as well. I see what you mean about trying to decide whether to have yourself in the piece. And I think that it could work either way, depending on where you go from here. My one suggestion would be to blend the transition between the first half and the second half a little bit. I enjoyed each section, but there was a big difference in tone and focus between the two, so it might help the flow to combine the two parts a bit differently. Great job : )

Joel-

I liked the way you jumped right into the piece in the beginning, throwing the reader directly into the scene. Your descriptions of the band members, their quotes, and your interactions with them did a good job of showing the reader what the band and its members are like. The quotes you used made the characters more engaging, and made me interested to keep reading to see what happened, so I’m interested to see if you can include more about the members in your final draft and make them more defined. I also liked how you blended your discussion of the band to with the discussion of the difficulties of breaking into the music business, and thought you could add even more in that section of the piece. I was a little confused about how many members the band had, because you only mention the two and their roles in the band, are there more members than Zach and Alex? A little more factual explanation about the logistics of the band might help iron out that confusion and add to the flow of the piece. Great job : )