Week 10: Responses to Pieces for Workshop 2

Stephen-
I love your descriptions and detail, you make it possible for the reader to imagine what it was like to be there for the service, all the way down to the sounds and looks that you got from people. It might make the piece flow better if you mixed the other voices and interactions with the description, because your current structure kind of jumps from total description to what happened after the mass. I know that this is because of the chronological way you chose to write the piece, but some more pieces of information about the people around you throughout the service might connect it all. I liked the way you were in the piece as the narrator and how you included your reactions and emotions throughout the service. I thought that your emotions about feeling out of place and your nervousness about participating in various parts of the service worked well with the way you described things. There were portions of the service when you didn’t really know what was going on, and you made that clear in the way you described things, which brought the reader into the scene with you. I was a little confused about the various religious aspects (like Alpha and Omega) at time, so it might be helpful to have a bit more description there as you learn more about that kind of stuff yourself. I’m interested to see how you integrate the information you get from Greek Fest, I think that adding that info will help you decide what you want readers to take away from the piece. Great job :)

Marina-
I loved your intro, I think it does a great job intriguing the reader and pulling them into the piece. I liked how you included perspectives from women with different interests in the arts, making it clear that there are women in different departments that are working to discuss women’s issues and work towards greater equality. You set the quotes up well, and your transitions worked well for me, so I thought the whole piece flowed really well. I liked when you mentioned the male (and female) reactions to the connotations of “feminism” in connection with the various students’ experiences, and it might be interesting to include something about how the audiences reacted to the Tempest, Rachel’s SIP presentation, etc. to see if these reactions differ. Also, discussing definitions of feminism, Laura, Laura, and Rachel’s and/or general definition that many students on campus seem to believe in, might help to solidify the piece by giving the reader a better idea of the climate on campus when it comes to feminism and progress towards equality. Great job :)


Simona-
Your piece was really interesting to read, I had never heard about this class and was interested to learn that K offered it. I also was interested to read about the migrant readers in the area, because it’s a topic that a lot of K students might never think about but it’s also an important part of the area economy. I liked how you interspersed facts, quotes and anecdotes throughout the piece, it made it flow well. There were a few confusing transitions, such as the paragraph that begins “In 2009 the Michigan Civil Rights Commission held an investigation…”, maybe that part could be moved so that it doesn’t break up the beginning of the story as much. Another suggestion I thought of as I read your piece would be to add more description, both of the houses and the people. The quotes from Megan and Elizabeth seemed a little out of place at times because the reader didn’t know much about them as characters, so maybe adding more about their experiences would help with this. Great job :)

Andrea-
I loved your intro, the way you described the outside and inside of the apartment helped to lead the reader into Lisa’s story. The way you set the scene of all the apartments looking the same and then Lisa’s apartment standing out to you was really interesting, especially when you transitioned to Lisa’s story and explained about the parts of her life that make her different from her neighbors. One transition that was confusing to me was the paragraph where you first mention Mira and the “co-creator”, because both of those characters seem to be important to the story in different ways, but they just suddenly appear without much explanation. My one suggestion would be to add some more explanation of Mira, the “co-creator”, the Martha’s Vineyard connection, etc. if you have enough room in the piece. Also, I liked your use of quotes, especially Lisa’s because they gave me a better feel for her character. Great job :)